frankly, this is all i want to say.
the sadness i feel without you is exponentially less than the sadness i felt when i was with you.
i have friends around me who tell me i have never been a chore to them. i have friends telling me they prefer me to other people. i have friends telling me i am not needy, that i never ask for too much, or that, in fact, i dont ask for enough because i am afraid. i find most of that hard to believe, because i know i am not an easy person to be around… but none of them have ever called me a chore. none of them have ever said to me “my other friends are easier to talk to.”
i apologize for how i acted. i tried time and time again to express myself as clearly as possible, and you never listened and i got pushed into uncomfortable spaces by you. you never stopped to ask why that was, and even after i explicitly told you, you still refused to understand. you said it yourself many times, that i don’t like acting like that so why would i do it on purpose? it wasn’t on purpose- it was a direct response to your behavior and your actions. you then sat there and said to me that what i was asking for was too much, when literally all i wanted was “brb.” the basic respect from friend to friend that you said was too hard to give, meanwhile there was a whole group of people you had no problem giving that to.
there were two autistic people in this friendship and you refused to accept that. you consistently and constantly used your autism as a defense mechanism and weaponized it every chance you got, from your refusal to adjust to other’s needs over your own to your ineffable ability to make me feel small and useless and unimportant and stupid.
i did and do love you. i would be your friend again if you asked me, and that’s probably what upsets me the most- you won’t ever ask, because you won’t admit that you were also wrong, and that i’m so fucking weak and stupid that i’d take you back just because i miss the one text a day you would struggle through sending me. you made me feel like the most unimportant person in your life yet wanted me to extend all my energy to being your best friend. did you ever read back what you said to me and realize how fucking insane it was? how inconceivable it was of you to ask that of another person? who do you even think you are? have you thought about any of this in the week i refused to talk to you?
i hope you go back and read those texts from my POV and one day can see how awful it was for me to be the only one to keep trying. wasn’t that how our friendship started? your friend acted the exact same way you’re acting towards me right now.
i wish this didn’t happen. of course i don’t. but i hope you read this and maybe understand what you did. i just want you to UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU DID. i know i have borderline, but kayla doesn’t. my mom doesn’t. please look inward. please reflect. please read everything again from my pov, and i pray the next friend you have doesn’t experience what i did. i pray to god you don’t make anyone else feel the way you made me feel.
